I begin to see that my soul is being destroyed, and yet I make no effort ‘to embark on a godly life.
Why, 0 my soul, are you so indifferent about yourself?
Why, when you sin, are you not as ashamed before God and His angels as you are before men?
Alas, alas, for I do not feel the shame before my Creator and Master that I feel before a man. Before a man I cannot sin, but do all I can to appear to be acting righteously; yet standing before God I think evil thoughts and often am not ashamed to speak of them.
What madness! Though I sin, I have no fear of God who watches me, and yet I cannot tell to a single man what I have done so as to give him a chance to correct me. Alas, for I know the punishment and yet am unwilling to repent.
I love the heavenly kingdom, and yet do not acquire virtue.
I believe in God and constantly disobey His commandments.
I hate the devil, and yet do not stop doing what he wants.
If I pray, I lose interest and become unfeeling.
If I fast, I become proud, and damn myself all the more.
If I keep vigil, I think I have achieved something, and so I have no profit from it.
If I read, I do one of two evil things in my obduracy: either I read for the sake of profane learning and self-esteem, and so am farther benighted; or by reading, and not acting in the spirit of what I read, I simply increase my guilt.
If by God’s grace I happen to stop sinning in outward action, I do not stop sinning continually in what I say. And if God’s grace should protect me also from this, I continue to provoke His wrath by my evil thoughts.
Alas, what can I do? Wherever I go, I find sin.
Everywhere there are demons.
Despair is worst of all.
I have provoked God, I have saddened His angels, I have frequently injured and offended men.
St Peter of Damascus
Book1 A Treasury of Divine Knowledge
The First Stage of Contemplation
